What I Miss

I am missing Trinity tonight. This is only the third weekend she has gone to her dad’s house (every other, that is) and I feel resentfulhatefulangry at the idea of having to share time with my child.

You never think about parenting like this. I didn’t endure 9.5 months of grueling pregnancy and then 2 perfect years of family bliss to expect things to come down as they did.

Explaining divorce to a four year old through the means of children’s books: “Don’t fall apart on Saturdays”.

Discussing how talking about ‘Prince Matthew’ to dad might be a bad idea.

Providing a travel calendar in her weekend suitcase to ensure he knows his time next month.

How am I going to make it through June? Being away every single week, even for just an evening?

I can barely make it two days (every other weekend, Friday through Sunday at 5pm)  without worrying about my baby, wanting to hear her voice, put her to bed, tell her I love her.

But then some weeks it feels like this time together will never end. When I’m riding her ass and she’s driving me crazy. I’m yelling and she’s talking back. And I think I’ll blow a gasket before it’s “Daddy-daughter” weekend.

What I miss is when life felt simpler. When I thought I was living the ‘American Dream’, with my husband and my beautiful baby girl- and three matching last names. When I had it all.

What I miss is feeling like I had a partner in parenting. Like I had someone equally invested in this precious creation- someone whose dedication matched mine. Someone who would go through any lengths, just as I would go through any lengths, to ensure she has a happy childhood- a happy life.

I guess those ‘good ol years’ mainly happen at the beginning. When parents forget about themselves, enamored by their infant.

Where the little one dazzles and amazes us so wholly that you don’t realize you have forgotten yourself.

But then you remember. The strive to be flawless and innocent for your child is too steep a mountain to climb. So you re-embrace your vices, and fall back into selfish ways.

And things fall apart.

Like my marriage. And the trust. Our commitment to putting her needs first.

And this is our life now. He and I don’t communicate. She doesn’t call him to say good-night. He does not know what her life is like here, with Mommy, for two-week stretches at a time.

Does he know she knows how to write almost all of her alphabet?

Or that her favorite song to sing with me is “You and Me?”

That her Barbie movie collection has grown, and she has recently decided to become an astronaut?

Or that I’m struggling to tell her the truth that her “magical powers” that lock and unlock the car is really just my keys?

I wanted to share the excitement when she finally learned to snap. Or her first visit from the toothfairy.

I needed him there when she had to have dental work, and I couldn’t hold her hand and fix her blanket at the same time.

I know I am not the only parent living like this. And I’m not complaining, because I know that ending our marriage was the right choice. There are always just going to be these things- little things- that I’ll feel robbed of, and where I feel guilty that things aren’t different for her.

You may plan on falling in love, plan on getting married. Plan on starting a family and creating a home.

But you don’t plan on a change of plans. You take for granted that someone may change their mind.

You don’t create a contingency plan, a backup plan. And so here I have found myself, since October 2010, trying to figure out how to swim my way through this unplanned, uncharted territory.

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5 thoughts on “What I Miss

  1. I Love this quote, fire for me is my emotional baggage and the daily struggle to not let it affect my day.

  2. YOU are amazing, and an incredible Mommy. Just flow with the tide… change is inevitable– and you’re doing a great job.

  3. This breaks my heart to read. Mary, I admire you & have so much respect for you as a friend, & as a mother; you are such an inspirational woman!!! Even though I can’t sit here and say I know what your going through, its still such an eye opener to couples out there that have the definition of “everything”. Like you said in your blog “You may plan on falling in love, plan on getting married. Plan on starting a family and creating a home. But you don’t plan on a change of plans. You take for granted that someone may change their mind”.
    That statement alone has opened my eyes personally. Nobody’s relationship is perfect especially mine with Shannon…but when you get caught up in every day life you dont give yourself the time needed to think ahead and create a game plan or take a moment to appreciate what you have at that very moment in order to take the steps needed to make sure its never lost.

    Like Mani said, you are such an AMAZING, and INCREDIBLE Mommy….Trin is beyond blessed to have such a caring mother that is so close to her and involved in her day to day life. My mother and I are close to a certain level but I can honestly say that I never had that bond with her when my parents split up….I went in with hatrid and resentment because thats what I was surronded by. So for you to hold your head up high and take charge in the parenting role to make sure Trin is informed to the level needed but still is given the reassurance that her mommy and daddy love her to death is just beyond amazing.
    If there is anyone I know that deserves to have it all, it is with out a doubt you!!!!You personally have truly made me want to be a better mother and future wife…and I couldn’t thank you more for that ❤

    • Brittany,
      Your post brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for your message, I am so blessed to have you guys in my life!!

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