Beauty in the Breakdown

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I ended our relationship today.

His drinking gets out of hand. I need another addict like I need a hole in my head. I KNEW there were issues with it, I just didn’t want to see them. That stupid old cliche;

“You can lie to everyone else, but you can’t lie to yourself”

Ringing in my ears.

 I’m the eternal Pollyanna, the lifelong optimist. It’s gotten me into some pretty tangled situations, always believing the best in others, always trusting, trusting trusting. Even when I try not to. Trusting even when I don’t know how.

I don’t want to be a cynic. I don’t want to to live life expecting others to hurt or betray me, even though it’s been done in the past.

 I want to live fully, with joy and hope and faith.

Matt and I have had so much fun. We moved too quickly, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I feel a renewed sense of color. After the divorce, my world felt gray for so long. It was like seeing others in moving pictures, while I stood still, glued in the same place.

Life has come into focus. The summer sun is revealed.

I realize that the hurt that I carry from my marriage runs deep, but not deep enough to scar. I may not have emerged unscathed, but I have confidence in myself that this time, I WILL LISTEN.

Listen to my gut, Listen to my instincts. Decide more carefully.

I may not know exactly what I want (picket fence vs. forty year old spinster?) but I know what I DON’T want:

  • I don’t want someone with a chemical dependency.
  • I don’t want someone whose motivation to live a better life is invested in me.
  • I don’t want someone whose work ethic doesn’t match mine.
  • I don’t want someone who disrespects women.

Matt is not a terrible person. He has so many amazing qualities, and I hope for him that he continues on the straight and narrow to find a future he is happy with.

But right here, right now… from where I’m sittingthinkingbreathing…those futures don’t lead to the same ending.

“For every setback, disappointment and heartbreak, Mary, ask yourself, “What does this create the opportunity for?”

And therein you will find its gift.

Everything has a reason”

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5 thoughts on “Beauty in the Breakdown

  1. Sorry to hear about your break up, nursing a heartbreak is hard but living a lie is even harder. Remember, do not compromise who you are because someone wants you to be something else, you will start to reject them for it. I hope you like your new job:)

    • Thanks so much girl. Work is great but crazy busy. I’ll be happy when things feel settled again! Hope you are well! Xo

      • Things are moving along, I do not have your number anymore so call me when you get a chance or e mail me, it is up to you. I have to tell you about my PSY class, no one will respond to me, I make sure to respond extra to all of them though:), I am sweet as honey too.

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