Forgive Me

My cousin Colleen, before she passed, taught me about the importance of writing letters. There’s something about the written word that can help make your thoughts and emotions so much more powerful than just letting them float as a jumbled mass in your mind. Perhaps this is what I’ve always believed. When I started journaling at 6, I always formatted my entries as if I were speaking to a friend. “DJ” I called him, “Dear Journal”.

This song, written by Missy Higgins, is posted now in memory of my father, William Desmond O’Brien.

“Forgive Me”

Oh my son look at what I’ve done
But I am learning still
Learning still
Know that I am learning still
And oh my wife you are my life
And I am burning still
Burning still
Know that I am burning for you still

And all, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home’s anywhere you are too
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please forgive me

Oh my God how you make it hard
Not to pick the apple
Pick the apple
And Lord I long to give it back

And I was on shakey land
Lost and unsure I opened my hand
And she held it like sinking sand

And all, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home’s anywhere you are too
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please

All, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home’s anywhere you are too
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please forgive me
Forgive me
Forgive me

 
I personify heroin as this beautiful temptress, dark and alluring, reaching out to my father in a black, sightless moment. Whether or not it was before or after my mom’s first breakdown I don’t know. She scooped him up and held him to her chest and never, ever let him go. Opiates became his first wife, his first love. She held his hand and led him to death’s door. 
 
This is the apology I knew he would have sung if he had the words. Where do you direct your hurt and anger and betrayal when the source of so much pain has passed on?
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One thought on “Forgive Me

  1. Very powerful song, thank you for sharing, Mary. When someone we love is gripped by addiction, they are out of reach and we are out of control and helpless. Strongest steel comes from the hottest furnace though. We must learn to love and hold deeply and then let go what’s not ours to keep. Be strong and keep centered on who you are in you own right. Sending you a big hug. Lola.

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